Ask Satan Anything

Dear Satan,

I’m thinking about becoming a Catholic Priest.  I’ve heard the calling from God.  The only problem is that I really like having sex.  What are your thoughts?

Celibate Good Times

Greetings Celibate Good Times,

I’m assuming you’re male, since the Catholic church frowns on any human possessing a vagina having a leading role in that fucked up organization.  Well, other than using said vagina for divine births.   Exit only. “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Gen 2:18)  Helper.  Sounds vaguely North Pole.  Did God mean, “It is not good that Santa should be alone…”  Or maybe it’s more like a masseuse sometimes helps with a happy ending.  Either way, Helper is a great designation.  How God can look at Herself in the mirror after setting things up this way is beyond me.  She can do what she wants I suppose.  Bitch. 

You women out there who for some fucked up reason yearn to be a Father, should look into the Roman Catholic Womanpreists.  It’s really funny stuff.  The Womanpriests are in that kind of self-loathing genre of a group, like Jews for Jesus or Nazi’s for Jews, or the Klan Carwash to raise money for the United Negro College Fund.  A woman trying to become a Catholic Priest is much like trying to find your mother who left you on the hospital steps at birth because she felt more of a need to whore for crack than to be your parent.  You’re just asking for punishment.  Your mama don’t love you.  But both mental and physical self-flagellation continue to enjoy time honored positions in Catholic tradition.  Women have also been referred to by the Catholic Church as “less pure than men and therefore a source of ritual contamination.”  I’ll bet you’d like a source for that quote, wouldn’t you?  I may have made it up.  Ritual Contaminant!  Oh, that’s rich.  What a great band name that would make.  Courtney Love – you can use it. 

Ritual Contaminant

There’s an easy way to solve your dilemma.  Just ask yourself one simple question.  What do you like better – God, or blowjobs. Rev. Alberto Cutie asked himself that – he came up with “Episcopalian Blowjob.”  Any human male that answers ‘God’ to that question is either missing the customary nerve endings which are normally installed around the human penis, or is getting blowjobs from Chloe Sevigny, or has a really fucked up perception of what God has to offer.  Believe me, I’ve been caught in God’s web of temptation more than anyone.  She is by far the hottest piece of ass I have ever laid eyes on.  And she will not give it up.  I’ve tried everything.  So, if what you’re looking for is a lifetime of teasing with absolutely no release- then God is for you.  The humans who have figured it out are those who realize that the most intense religious experience isn’t as good as rubbing one out. 

Next, let’s discuss the origins of celibacy in the Catholic Church.  You’ll love this.  As with almost everything in the Catholic Church, this is about cold hard cash.  The problem was that back in the day, Priests and Bishops were powerful dudes.  They were powerful because they owned land.  It bummed the Church out seeing those powerful fuckers die and leaving the valuable land to their heirs.  God forbid!  And so God did forbid.  Now, listen, there were plenty of other factors at work here.  But essentially, this was a land grab.  How to get rid of those pesky heirs?  I know!  Force Priests to exist in a hellish and inhuman condition called celibacy. I love this one pro marijuana argument that points out that there are unique receptacles in the human brain who’s only known function is to accept the chemical THC.  That’s the chemical in pot that makes us feel good.  So, the argument is that if God supplied us with these receptacles – then we’d better show our gratitude and spark the fucking bong.  Same goes for penises an vaginas.  Two great tastes that go great together.  Hell, penises and anuses for that matter.  Penises and mouths.  Penises and flesh wounds.  God made it all.  Let us celebrate – not celibate. 

Definitely go to seminary.  As long as you’re going for the right reasons.  For instance,  you couldn’t get into college, or, impregnated a cheerleader.  Nothing turns a chick on more than a man who is unavailable. A woman who wins against God is bound to give you the time of your life in bed. Seminary for semanary.  Work it brother. 

Of course, I’m sure you’re surprised I haven’t touched the whole Catholic Priest – Dick Grabbing Ass Poking of Children subject.  I have plenty of material on that.  It just seems a bit of a saturated topic right now.  It bores me.  Priests are so easy to pick on.  I will mention that I have a line of Catholick Love Dolls coming out soon- check the merch page.  They’ll be little inflatable alter boys with anatomy correct features and patented “I trust you” facial expressions. 

And if you’ve really received the call from God, my advice is to let it go to voicemail.  And then delete without listening.  There’s nothing in it for you.  Believe me. 

You’re welcome,