Ask Satan Anything

Dear Satan,

If one member of the relationship is not communicating in the way the other member of the relationship wants, is it a good idea to stand outside their apartment and throw loose change (quarters, nickels) and mentos at their window to get them to speak with you. If their doorbell is broken and they won’t take your call.

~ding dong dash

Greetings Ding Dong Dash,

Back when I was still just a fallen angel trying to get back upstairs, I used a version of this strategy myself.  I threw decapitated goats and crispy fried sinners (original recipe), but the idea was the same.  You know how well it worked out for me.

The Fresh Maker

My answer is two fold.  First, if you have an excess supply of spare change and mentos and have been looking for an excuse to rid yourself  of that ballast, then by all means.  It doesn’t even have to be someone you’re in a relationship with.  Just go down the hallway of an apartment building and fire at will.   You may make new friends this way.  An even better idea is to take a trip to the border crossing from San Diego into Mexico.  You would be regaled as royalty and worshipped by the pitiful beggars who line the street to downtown Tijuana.

Next, we should look at some of these pesky facts that you mention.  Your significant other is not taking your calls and the doorbell is “broken”.  Is this telling you anything?  I hate to be the one to bring this up, but it very well could be that your mate isn’t communicating in the way you want because they’ve grown to hate you because you’re a pesky psycho and they just don’t want to communicate with you at all.

Nothing solidifies a blossoming revulsion like the dull ping of mentos clacking off your door.  I say, freshen your beathe and use the change to cruise the subway for a different hapless sucker to bother.

You’re Welcome,

~Satan