Ask Satan Anything

Dear Satan,

My Eastern European bikini waxer totally overdid it!  Why doesn’t she listen to me?  It was totally fine as it was.  Why do I always have to have a debate about MY snatch design?!  I’m NOT into this bald eagle deal.  I’m not a stripper, and I’m not posing for Playboy this week.   It’s really annoying.  I think I’m going to have to find a new snatch technician.  Do you have any advice on female pubic hair styles?

~Lady Kojak

Dear Lady Kojak,

First of all, you should know that I often wander the earth in human form.  In fact, if you’ve had three or more lovers in your lifetime, the third one was me.  Take a moment and try to remember your third lay.  Ahhh, right!  Remember now?  Knowing that was Satan makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?  I don’t mention this to brag, but as someone who has sampled hair pie stylings from Eve to Jessica Simpson, I have a rather informed take on the matter.

Second of all, any male (human or not) who is worth his salt will tell you this.  When what’s on our mind is storming the castle – we could really give a damn what style the door is.  All we care about is ramrodding that shit.  So, honestly – it just doesn’t matter.

But, you asked for an opinion.  So I’ll go through a few of the most popular modern styles and give you my thoughts:

Teaming Bush aka The Rasputin: The seventies were a great time for me.  I took care of MLK and Kennedy by the end of the 60’s, I invented the Carpenters and The Eagles and Nixon, I had an oil crisis happening.  Everything was great, accept for the popularity of the Rasputin.  I’m still pulling forty year old pubes out from between my molars.  Not recommended.

The Basic Bikini: This is the most traditional trim job these days.  Keeps strays from reaching out of your bathing suit and waving to passers by.  If you’re lazy, stupid and unimaginative, this one is for you.

The Landing Strip aka The Hitler: I have a special place in my heart for this one, just because of the Hitler reference.  He was my best work and I think that this style is the perfect commemoration.  There’s something powerful about having Hitler between your legs, kind of like riding a massive Harley.  Add a swastika tube top and you’re good to go.

The Teardrop: Just as stupid as the Teardrop Tattoo.  Unless you’re mourning the loss of your good sense.

Pimp My Thatch: I believe it was Carmen Kass who may have been the first to popularize the customized mow job.  If you’re going to adorn your body with trendy branding, I suggest using a scalpel and going at least 2 inches deep.

The Nutty Brazilian aka The Kojak aka The Bald Eagle: Not even Satan likes to feel like a pedophile.

The Merkin: This is actually the style I recommend.  The Merkin was a pubic wig popular in the early 1600’s.  It was great for covering the puss and scabs associated with certain venereal diseases, and also kept the lice nice and warm.  I believe it’s time to bring back the merkin.  This would solve your problem, Lady Kojak.  But if your mate pauses because of your snatch style… you’ve got bigger problems.

You’re welcome,