Ask Satan Anything

Dear Satan,

Why would Governor Sanford risk it all?  Do you think he’s really in love? Should we forgive him?  Should we still let him represent the great state of South Carolina?

~Under the White Sheets

Dear Under the White Sheets,

I was hoping someone would touch on this subject. 

Let me make this clear.  In my opinion, what goes on in a public figure’s personal life should have no consequences to his public career. 

For instance, let’s just say that someone with as public an office as say, Satan, were to sometimes inhabit the body of a golden retriever who is used for animal assisted therapy every Thursday afternoon in the Floridian Nursing Home outside of Miami and whose favorite activity is to affectionately lick the decrepit hand of a 97 year old ex Merchant Marine dying of lung cancer.  I mean, just as a hypothetical.  But, should something like that mar my excellent public reputation as pure evil?  I think not. 

Sanford Admits Affair. That's me on the left.

The important thing  is that I keep my private life private.  This Sanford bozo didn’t have the sense for that.  Once you give your first interview on the subject, all bets are off.  And using state money to fund your bad behavior doesn’t help much either. 

The first question that needs asking is, “Did Sanford not graduate from Politician School?”  I mean, what kind of idiot is this guy?  There is a tried and true process for this sort of thing.  John Edwards followed it to the letter.  Clinton did too, as much as he was allowed:

• Get Caught
• Make a groveling pubic apology, hopefully with your distressed yet supportive wife in frame
• Disappear for awhile
• Come back like nothing happened

This isn’t in beta anymore. This is the way to do it. 

Here’s Sanford’s strategy:

• Dumb Lie: 

Why lie to your staff, whose job it is to cover your lying?  Tell them the truth, and let them come up with a GOOD lie. 

• Mistress Trips – paid for by SC: 

Come on, amateur!  Everyone knows that you pay for mistress trips with CASH.  If you can steal that cash from SC, good on you! 

• Get Caught
• Blab/Cry/Blab using quotes like, “the whole sparking thing.” 
•  Blab/Cry
•  Blab
•  Screwed

First of all, lets talk about his poor planning.  Or lack of planning.  If you’re sneaking around and cheating on your wife- the least you could do is SNEAK.  I mean, when Buba Cletus sneaks off on Ema Sue to cross the trailer park to drink moonshine and have dirty monkey sex with Betty Jo and her hound dog Victoria – then the Appalachian Trail story should absolutely be in play.  But disappearing and leaving your staff with nothing but the ole’ Appalachian Trail story to cover their back holes with is pretty weak.  Especially when you are the GOVERNOR OF A STATE.  How does someone with this narrow an imagination become Governor in the first place?  Oh, GWB.  Right.  Sorry.  It’s not the candidate’s imaginations that are the problem.  It’s the voter’s.  That’s you, dumb-ass.  

Now if you don’t know this, it’s the Blab parts of his plan that were most likely his biggest mistake.  He must have known his red-neck, right-wing, backward-ass audience enough to get elected.  Could a week in Argentina porking his soul-mate have erased his good sense?  Must have been really jarring sex.  I will say that in my experience, Argentinean women do know how to put on a good porking.  In Argentina, they call it, “participar en el arte de porking” I’m sure there’s a sex tape coming soon.  Look for it on ASA first. 

Sanford’s “spiritual advisor” Warren “Cubby” Culbertson was quoted by The State Newspaper as saying that “Sanford was simply caught off guard by “the power of darkness.”  Thanks for the shout out Chubby.  I love when God’s People promote Satan’s Work.  Quite honestly though, this is not going according to my plan.  What would have been best for the overall evil of the world would have been for Sanford to remain a possibility as a 2012 GOP presidential contender.  I’ve still got Palin.  That would be so huge for me.  Fingers crossed! 

One thing in your question that I would like to actually answer is, “Should we still let him represent the great state of SC?”  Yes.  Of course you should.  What a fucked up state like SC really needs more than anything is a cheater.  There’s no other way for a state like that to get anywhere.  No one even knows where the Hell South Carolina is. As far as the rest of us are concerned, the state’s greatest contributions to the world are the Confederate Flag on the Statehouse lawn, Hootie and the Blowfish, and shrimp on top of grits.  I don’t think that qualifies SC for a “great state of” designation.  Although a picnic of shrimp on grits under the shade of a lightly fluttering Confederate Flag while listening to Hold My Hand sounds really good right now.  

On the bright side- Sanford has introduced a great new pickup line that I plan on trying out tonight.  “Hey baby.  Wanna cross the ultimate line?”  That’s good stuff.  He is talking about the old in out, in out… right?  

If you need a moral to the story, this is it.  I heard that Sanford has a book deal in the works.  How much more evidence do you idiots need.  Bad behavior pays – usually starting with an advance based on future sales.  

You’re Welcome,

~Satan