Ask Satan Anything

Dear Satan,

Why did you kill Tupac and Biggie, and leave behind Diddy?

~Diddy Haffa Kill Tupac & Biggie?

Greetings Diddy Haffa Kill Tupac & Biggie,

I’ve been waiting for this damn question for how many years? When was that anyway, like 95, 96ish? That was when I was in my West Coast / East Coast phase. I was bored.

This is the very best and most educated question I have received. You should be extremely proud of yourself. The meaning of life? Who gives a shit. This is a question worth feeding into the mouth of that retard Stephen Hawking and seeing what plops into the bedpan.

Okay. It really shouldn’t be hard to understand why I had to take care of Biggie. He was a fat fuck with an ugly face and precious little talent. Anyone that goes from Notorious to Smalls – come on. You can tell they’re on their way out just by the name change. I guess it’s my own fault.  Biggie started out well. He was a drug dealer. Not one of my more creative outbursts, but you know – it’s like going to Michael’s and expecting to find a beautiful painting. You’ve got $3.29 and ten minutes on your lunch break, you can run in and get a fake bouquet of flowers and a tube of glitter glue. What the Hell. It’s not like I had a lot to work with. I did the whole crossroads thing with him. He was lost in a Chuckie Cheese bathroom in Iowa, but the pattern in the urine coated tile suggested crossroads. I told him to head West and I’d give him all he wanted. Fame, riches, a first lay. What did that idiot do? He got on 40 East and kept on driving. I mean, the nerve of that guy. So I had to have him whacked. I can’t have that kind of bullshit happening in my operation.

Now Tupac. I have to say, I regret that a little bit. And here’s why. I admit that I got pissed when he used that 2Pac bullshit for a while. I gave Prince the total corner of the market on that kind of thing (Nothing Campares 2 U), and honestly – I got an ear full of crap when Tupac infringed. Prince is a real whiner. There wasn’t any real reason I let Tupac go. It’s just that as a rule- I try to have 1 in every 6 human who travels to Las Vegas either get murdered or die of alcohol poisoning, or at the very least contract a serious venereal disease. So, it was just a numbers thing. What really pissed me off about this whole deal, is that Tupac went to heaven.

"Why is there no hole in this toilet?"

So, now we’re at Sean Combs, aka Puff Daddy, aka P. Diddy, aka Diddy. That sentence alone is enough for me to have him bound, tortured, and killed. But again, it’s a numbers game with this asshole. Here’s what’s a pain in the ass about being me. It’s not enough that this guy is a waste of space, a lack of talent, and a complete fucking douche bag. I have to look at the big picture. The way it breaks down is that much more of the world population is miserable with Diddy in the picture, then with Diddy out of the picture. So for now Diddy, say CHEESE.

You’re welcome,

~ Satan

PS:  See what I did here?

Body by Phelps. Hair by Satan... and just look at that pretty mouth...