Ask Satan Anything

Dear Satan,

Why is it that women, as soon as they are in a relationship, try to transform their partner into this alleged “dream partner” (apparently a rich and gay janitor, who can’t do anything without asking permission) and then when they have all but achieved this goal, they leave for someone who is the complete opposite of that which they have transformed their partner into (like a wife-beating motorcycle gang member)?

Is this some sort of twisted sadistic instinct that was programmed into women by you or God for entertainment value? And if yes, doesn’t it sort of legitimize wife-beating?

~ Long Winded, Short Penissed

Greetings Long Winded, Short Penissed,

Why is it that a man marries a woman, knowing full well what being a woman entails, (ie: hot piece that morphs into king bitch and transformer of partners) and then expresses dumbfounded surprise when the woman in question does what a woman is prone to do? It is beyond even my great powers of speculation. Tigers and stripes. The nature of snakes. This is basic stuff.

Bad Boy. Bad Hat.

It’s an old old story and it’s the reason why I get laid (or pleasured in some way) every three hours. Women are attracted to bad boys. Always have been.  Always will be. I should give you the history of God and I, but I’m saving that for later.  Look for it.  It will explain a lot. I mean, Bret Michaels and Vince Neil are still getting tons of action. And without the frame of the 80’s around them, they are just kind of fat and stupid retards. But they’re fat and stupid bad boy retards. Which makes all the difference. Females like the bad boy because they want to save them from being so bad. Again, where have you been?

Now, Long Winded, you may want to re-evaluate your taste in women. If yours is looking for a rich and gay janitor, I think there are some issues there. The rich I understand. Gay Janitor seems like an odd dream for a woman to have. It’s not even a category of dress for Chippendale Dancers. Maybe it’s just me. I don’t get out as much anymore. Maybe things have changed more drastically up there than I realize. I guess you’re referring to the fact that you feel you have been turned into a castrated little bitch, have let yourself be transformed, and have lost your woman to boot.

You only have yourself to blame. Just because the female wants to transform you, doesn’t mean you have to agree. What the woman wants is the challenge. So challenge her! Don’t change anything. In fact, increase all areas she feels need to be changed. Doesn’t like you drinking? Drink more. Drink whiskey mixed with Mountain Dew out of an old Big Gulp cup. Do this all the time. Doesn’t like having sex with you? Dangle it in her face every night. Try to get it going propeller style – stand over her head and sing, “Off we go, into the wild blue yonder.” Wants you to clean the house? Trash that bitch. Wipe your ass on the sofa arm rest. Piss over the dishes in the sink. Wants you to bring in more money? Quit. Steal cash from her purse. Make her get a fourth job at Walmart. At night. That’ll give you better opportunity to drink and trash the house while she’s gone. She wants you gay? Have sex with her mother. Do you see what I’m getting at here? Give her something to really transform man! Give her something to dig her teeth into. Give her a tough project to work on. It’s the only way, and she will stay with you forever, as long as you never get any better. And look at all the fun you’ll have. Unless her mother’s super ugly.  But even then…

As far as the wife beating goes, no one has figured out how to do that yet.  You can’t hope to beat them. Just try surviving.

You’re welcome,