Ask Satan Anything

Editor’s Note:  This is Part Two of Satan’s Two Part Hot Steaming Abortions in July Extravaganza.  If you missed Part One – check it out.

Dear Satan,

If I kill an abortion doctor, do I go to heaven or hell?

~ Itchy Fingered Fetus Fanatic

Greetings Itchy Fingered Fetus Fanatic,

This is a fairly complicated question.  Which is why I’m so surprised that a right wing conservative with a lifetime membership to the NRA and a fierce addiction to masturbating to the 700 Club would ask a faceted question like this.  You people always seem so sure of yourselves.  I didn’t think questioning your righteousness was a song in your hymn book.  As an aside, yes – it probably should worry you that I have your file open on my desk.  I think you know why.  Yes, it has to do with your sister.

Tiller of Tissue

But let’s take a look at this issue.  First, late term abortion provider, George Tiller, got 67 good years.  That’s 67 more than any of his patient’s babies got.  So let’s rejoice in that. He killed a lot of babies.  He had a good run.

You also have to wonder at the strange causes humans chose to spend their meager bravery on.  Tiller endured endless legal battles, vandalism, being shot in both arms (by Rachael Shannon during Operation Rescue’s “Summer of Mercy”), and having his clinic bombed.  I might be able to handle being shot in one arm, but two?!  Any one of these things would have been way more than enough for me to quit the baby extraction biz.  I’d probably quit after that first fetus tried to bite my hand.  You shouldn’t bite the hand that aborts you, but those fetus’ can be nasty little critters.  The point is, the psychology of ole’ George just fascinates me.  What was it about tearing a potential human from a woman’s innards that George enjoyed so much?  The glamour?  The groupies?  The huge stem cell money?  The constant influx of free pens from fertilizer and make up companies?

Scott Roeder shot George while he was serving as an usher at his church.  I don’t know why it appeals to me so much that it happened at a church.  Scotty is a proud member of the Freeman anti-government group.  Interesting that his act has caused the government he’s all anti about to send US Marshals out to guard abortion clinics.  Good strategery there.  It’s sad for Tiller’s wife, 4 children and 10 grandchildren.  If only George had aborted them all, they wouldn’t have to deal with the grief.

Here’s Obama’s take on it. “However profound our differences as Americans over difficult issues such as abortion, they cannot be resolved by heinous acts of violence.”

I guess he doesn’t remember the founding of the United States.  Or the Civil War.  Or Hitler-

“No Hitler- they remember you.  Don’t worry.”

God he’s painful.  Always over my fucking shoulder.   So insecure.  My point is; the only way America has ever resolved anything, is with violence.  And that’s only partly my fault.  Mostly, that’s just how American’s do.  Nothing says America like a massive red white and blue fist coming at your jaw.  God Bless the USA.

Now, as you know- in my opinion Tiller didn’t go far enough.  Under certain circumstances, he was willing to perform abortions as late as third term.  If I had my way, abortions would be legal up until the fetus is 18 years old.  (more on this subject here)

This is what I’ve never understood about this entire issue.  If you ask me, it’s quite possible to be Pro Choice and Anti-Abortion at the same time.  Give a woman the choice, and then try to convince her abortion is a bad idea if that’s your opinion.  If you can convince her – good on you.  If you can’t – good on me.  That’s better then fascism.  Isn’t it?

Okay, to finally answer your question.  Itchy Fingered – whether you kill an abortion doctor or not – you’re going to be bunking with me.  Emphasis on the bunk.  The rest of you abortion doctor killers out there – there’s only one way to find out.

Your Welcome,

~Satan