Ask Satan Anything

Dear Satan,

If God didn’t want 21-year-olds to have sex with 16-year-olds, why did he make 16-year-olds so hot?

~Old Flaccid

Greetings Old Flaccid,

Let me start by re-phrasing your question in a more correct and precise manner. If God didn’t want male humans of any age to have sex with sixteen year olds, why did She make sixteen year olds so young… and hot? Are you with me so far? The underage female is one of the few things God really nailed. If you believe that’s how it went. This is the one and only area where West Virginia has it right.

Some people believe that I am responsible for all temptation in the world. I am under an air-tight contractual obligation to keep “my big mouth shut” (to quote the document) on the details of this arrangement, but I can say that if it were true, I could certainly make a case that I have a superior design sense to God.  She will argue, but She is wrong.  Almost always.

Choke My Chicken

Let me give you a couple of examples. We can assume that God is responsible for say, The Grand Canyon. To which I might counter with Lisa Bonet in Angel Heart. (I’ll get to DeNiro’s portrayal and the symbolic use of the egg in another post.) But the point is, there is no temptation with the Grand Canyon. Other then the temptation to take a shit in it. It’s basically just a massive useless privy hole. What the hell can you do with it. Look at it? Yahoo! Big freaking deal. Now Lisa Bonet circa 1987. Now there’s a creation with possibilities. I mean, the list of things you could do with, on, to, in, above and below Lisa Bonet 1987 are almost limitless. Shit, now I’m all worked up. Where’s the Minion on call? I need this thing worked down. Almost poked myself in the eye there.

Let’s say that God is responsible for the Aurora Borealis. Then in my column would be the eleven year old Brook Shields in Pretty Baby. (I’d get Louis Malle too – again, another post.) What would you rather rub up against? The Northern Lights, or a nubile hot unsoiled virgin? Or an old haggard soiled whore bag, for that matter? The only thing the Northern Lights are good for, is to provide a backdrop for sex with hot women. I think we can all agree on that.

I apologize for using celebrities, but celebrity is the only language you brainless idiots understand anymore. The point is, there’s a 1987 Lisa Bonet and an eleven year old Brook Shield’s around every corner. If you’re not noticing them, then there’s something very wrong with you. You should lurk in a school zone more frequently.

As usual, I’ve gotten off track here. Old Flaccid, your question is flawed on many levels. Mostly, the fact that you feel guilt enough to ask such a question seems to indicate that you are:

1. of Catholic upbringing and

2. in possession of a eunuch-like, lack of dangling balls type personality.

So most likely, you should just kill yourself. But you could also make a commitment to change. I’m not your mother, I could give a shit either way. Actually, your mother doesn’t give a shit either. Loser.

This is how many of my tenants handled these questions while on earth. This logic works for almost anything. If God made everything, then God made me want to have sex with that hot young girl. If God wants me to have sex with that hot young girl, then praise God, right?

You’re welcome,

~ Satan