Ask Satan Anything

Dear Satan,

  

 Is optimism a limited resource? 

  

~ Happy Goat Lucky

 

 

Greetings Happy Goat Lucky,

 

No.  Optimism is an infinite resource.  Just like it’s close cousins stupidity and naiveté.  Also on the list is political corruption, human cruelty, and the number of ways the same plot can be regurgitated by sitcom after sitcom like the rumen of the worlds most stupid cow. 

 

I actually got pretty deep into this sitcom situation.  I’d finished with my scrap-booking phase, and was looking for a new hobby.  I figured watching TV Land 24/7 would be a good thing to do.  I started to see wild interesting patterns emerge.  This all started with Amos and Andy (what a great show!)  Let’s look at this one example.  The plot is this.  The main character finds something of value- a wallet, a watch, a treasure map, whatever.  The main character has a moral crisis about whether they should keep the thing of value, or turn it in.  They have an epiphany that they should turn it in.  They are rewarded.   Obviously, I hate this fucking hackneyed bullshit plot.  Why the mainstream media prefers good over evil, I’ll never know.  You and I realize that the most interesting stories are those where evil wins.  Like Cheney.  But anyway – I made a graph of this plot through the ages, and found it’s appearance in the following shows. 

 

Ozzie and Harriet             1952

I Love Lucy                           1956

Leave it to Beaver                       1962

The Addams Family             1964

Hazel                                      1966

The Andy Griffith Show            1966

Gilligans Island (multiple)            1967

The Beverly Hillbillies            1968

The Monkees                        1968

Bewitched                              1969

The Brady Bunch (multiple)            1969-74

I Dream of Jeannie                       1970

Note: I had sex with Barbara Eden.  And Larry Hagman.  And Bill Daily.  And Hayden Rorke.  And once, all at the same time. 

The Flying Nun                 1971

Maude                                     1972            (she’s here now)

Sanford and Son                  1972

Barney Mller                          1975

Alice                                        1976

Mary Tyler Moore             1976

Bob Newhart                           1976

Rhoda                                      1977

Baa Baa Black Sheep            1977            (I fucking loved that show)

Chico and the Man                1977            (I fucking loved that show)

Welcome Back Kotter              1978

The Ropers                              1980

 

Note: another sex story on that one…   Later… 

Laverne and Shirley             1982

The Love Boat            (multiple)        1977-86

One Day at a Time                1977

Note:  You know it.  

The Facts of Life                  1982

Note:  Not on your life.  

Happy Days                            1984

 

It’s around this time that I decided this was an asinine hobby. Something you probably came to right away.  So let’s just fast forward to The King of Queens.  I think you get my drift.  My point here is that humans are stupid unimaginative twats.  What does that have to do with optimism?  I’ll tell you. 

 

Only a stupid unimaginative twat could look around and see what the world is serving up and then be optimistic.  Optimistic and stupid fuck face, are one in the same.  If you are optimistic then I am telling you – you are a stupid fuck face. 

 

You all hate and are all hated.  You are statistically more likely to find someone willing to slit your throat for fifteen bucks and your laundry ticket then you are to find someone willing to give you directions to the nearest Starbucks.  So what the flying fuck is optimism doing in your God damned limited vocabulary?  Try adding reality.  Not Reality TV.  Just plain Reality.  You’ll hate it.

 

You’re welcome,

~ Satan