Ask Satan Anything

Film Review:  Alpha Dog

2006

Directed by Nick Cassavetes

Staring Emile Hirsch, Justin Timberlake, Sharon Stone and Bruce Willis

The Studios Official Description:

Nick Cassavetes helmed this gritty, character-driven drama based on the true story of Jesse James Hollywood — one of the youngest men ever to appear on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. Planning to follow in his criminal father’s footsteps, drug-peddling Johnny Truelove (Emile Hirsch) finds himself in dutch with the feds and facing a lifetime behind bars. The high-powered cast includes Justin Timberlake, Sharon Stone and Bruce Willis.

Satan’s Review:

It’s pretty difficult to do anything interesting with film without seeming like a heavy-handed artistic blowhard.  In Alpha Dog, Cassavetes just about pulls it off.  Cassavetes is a sometimes brilliant director who is responsible for two of my favorite films.  She’s So Lovely (which should make sense) and The Notebook (which probably doesn’t seem all that Satanic.). 

Cassavetes uses a fake documentary style mixed with MTV style titling that doesn’t always make sense or follow rules of logic, but works all the same.  It’s nice to have some interesting, yet completely unnecessary elements like these to give us something to think about. 

In addition to directing, Alpha Dog was also written by Cassavetes based on the true story of the hapless kidnapping of a 15 year old that reveals the violent, drug addled and sexually promiscuous side of the American youth culture.  I am really well represented in this film.

This film is a brilliant example of inspired casting (in most cases).  Emile Hirsch is solid as the lead character of Johnny Truelove.  A not quite ruthless ganster wanna-be with weaknesses that Hirsch reveals with a subtle and skillful flair.  Take this performance alongside his portrayal of Christopher McCandless in Into the Wild, and it looks like we have much to look forward to from this young actor. 

Shawn Hatosy plays Truelove’s little bitch well and Anton Yelchin is amazing as the 15 year old kidnap victum.  Ben Foster puts forth an incredible performance – in fact, he scared the shit out of me.  And I’m not easily scared. 

But as much as I hate to admit this, Justin Timberlake stole the show.  I fucking hate Justin Timberlake.  Yes, he has a good set of pipes, but when you use your pipes to spew out valueless muck like Future Sex/Love Sounds, in my opinion- you should be strapped down to have your pipes physically torn from your body and strewn on a clothesline.  But God damnit, the kid rocks it out in this film.  It takes balls to get in front of a camera with the likes of the rest of this cast, and Timberlake pulled it off like a talented pro.  In my humble opinion, he should hang up the mic forever and hone his acting with vehicles other than Shrek and the fucking Love Guru.  Or maybe he should just get himself a better agent.  I’m pretty tight with Ari Emanual. 

The film could have done without the embarrassing overacting of Sharon Stone, the seemingly bored out of his mind Bruce Willis, and the waste of a John Travolta cameo.  Stars like this seemed like truffles tossed onto a perfectly solid plate of pasta as an afterthought, just because they were lying around.  Useless, distracting and obviously, placed to impress.  Which I was not.

At the end of the film, Cassavetes cuts to a documentary style interview with a woman we immediately know is the 15 year old victims mother in real life.  It takes three seconds to figure out what’s really happening in this scene, but it was a great three seconds all the same.  I believe that Cassavetes has complete success with this little clever little piece of trickery. 

There was enough sex ,violence, heartbreaking stupidity and breathtaking lack of justice in this film to satisfy me quite completely.  Even more satisfying is that it’s a true story.  I am strong.   I give this one a solid 3.5.  Almost a 4.  Worth renting.  

 Rating:

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Dear Satan,

If God didn’t want 21-year-olds to have sex with 16-year-olds, why did he make 16-year-olds so hot?

~Old Flaccid

Greetings Old Flaccid,

Let me start by re-phrasing your question in a more correct and precise manner. If God didn’t want male humans of any age to have sex with sixteen year olds, why did She make sixteen year olds so young… and hot? Are you with me so far? The underage female is one of the few things God really nailed. If you believe that’s how it went. This is the one and only area where West Virginia has it right.

Some people believe that I am responsible for all temptation in the world. I am under an air-tight contractual obligation to keep “my big mouth shut” (to quote the document) on the details of this arrangement, but I can say that if it were true, I could certainly make a case that I have a superior design sense to God.  She will argue, but She is wrong.  Almost always.

Choke My Chicken

Let me give you a couple of examples. We can assume that God is responsible for say, The Grand Canyon. To which I might counter with Lisa Bonet in Angel Heart. (I’ll get to DeNiro’s portrayal and the symbolic use of the egg in another post.) But the point is, there is no temptation with the Grand Canyon. Other then the temptation to take a shit in it. It’s basically just a massive useless privy hole. What the hell can you do with it. Look at it? Yahoo! Big freaking deal. Now Lisa Bonet circa 1987. Now there’s a creation with possibilities. I mean, the list of things you could do with, on, to, in, above and below Lisa Bonet 1987 are almost limitless. Shit, now I’m all worked up. Where’s the Minion on call? I need this thing worked down. Almost poked myself in the eye there.

Let’s say that God is responsible for the Aurora Borealis. Then in my column would be the eleven year old Brook Shields in Pretty Baby. (I’d get Louis Malle too – again, another post.) What would you rather rub up against? The Northern Lights, or a nubile hot unsoiled virgin? Or an old haggard soiled whore bag, for that matter? The only thing the Northern Lights are good for, is to provide a backdrop for sex with hot women. I think we can all agree on that.

I apologize for using celebrities, but celebrity is the only language you brainless idiots understand anymore. The point is, there’s a 1987 Lisa Bonet and an eleven year old Brook Shield’s around every corner. If you’re not noticing them, then there’s something very wrong with you. You should lurk in a school zone more frequently.

As usual, I’ve gotten off track here. Old Flaccid, your question is flawed on many levels. Mostly, the fact that you feel guilt enough to ask such a question seems to indicate that you are:

1. of Catholic upbringing and

2. in possession of a eunuch-like, lack of dangling balls type personality.

So most likely, you should just kill yourself. But you could also make a commitment to change. I’m not your mother, I could give a shit either way. Actually, your mother doesn’t give a shit either. Loser.

This is how many of my tenants handled these questions while on earth. This logic works for almost anything. If God made everything, then God made me want to have sex with that hot young girl. If God wants me to have sex with that hot young girl, then praise God, right?

You’re welcome,

~ Satan

Dear Satan,

What should I do if I’m driving behind a car and they’re going 10 mph under the speed limit, so I go to pass, and they speed up just to be a dick. My first reaction would be to ram them, but I want to know, What would Satan do?

~ Commuting Sentence

Greetings Commuting Sentence,

What would Satan do? For one thing, Satan doesn’t drive himself when wandering the earth in human form. I also don’t use limos. Or Tuk Tuk’s. The only mode of transportation I can endorse is the rickshaw.

First of all, sitting in a rickshaw gives you a beautiful view of human misery on an intimate and personal level, which is something that I very much enjoy being a witness too. What’s better than watching a ninety-two pound eighty-two year old frail as shit Asian great-grandfather of twelve struggle to drag around 210 pounds of super-being for one yen plus tip? Nothing. If you ask me.

That reminds me. I was riding in a wide body rickshaw with Naomi Campbell, Foxy Brown and Perez Hilton one time- this was probably 2006 or so. We were on the way to an after hours party in Soho, and decided it would be funny to make this homeless guy drag us around in a home-made rickshaw I stitched together using a hot dog cart and a small dumpster. We were headed down Broome Street and Perez took his copy of the Walter Matthau biography he’d been reading, and sort of lodged it down between the wheel of the hot dog cart making it extremely difficult to pull. The homeless guy was huffing and puffing. He was loaded on Sierra Mist, and he just couldn’t fathom the physics that were causing us to become so impossibly hard to drag. We laughed and laughed. I had sex with Perez that night, I think.  Interesting that he soon after changed the name of his blog from PageSixSixSix to something else.  I think I overwhelmed him.

I’ve gotten a bit off track. But my answer is this. Park the car in your neighbors yard and get yourself a hotdog cart, a small dumpster and some worthless human. You won’t regret it.

You’re welcome,