Dear Satan,
Who’s better: Conan, Leno or Letterman?
~ Late Night Zombie
I notice you don’t mention Craig Ferguson. I know he’s not in the same time slot, but he is the best late night talent there is. Excluding me, of course. But Ferguson has an intelligence and a style that Conan and Leno completely lack. And Letterman – well, I gave him what he has, so there’s a bit of a conflict of interest there.
Ferguson is a scrappy fighter too. I’ve tried to get him back on the hooch since 1992. He’s a really funny drunk. Was anyway. I remember one time, I had him drinking heavily in a pub on Christmas eve. He woke up Christmas morning covered in his own urine and I was so damn close to getting him out the third story window. No dice. He went downstairs to the pub, got drunk again , and forgot to do himself in. That’s a man I can respect. I’ll get him one way or the other though.
So, my answer to the question you didn’t ask is, Craig Ferguson. Now let’s get back to the question you did ask.
Conan. If you look at him from the front long enough- his head and face starts to look like some ancient instrument used for ship navigation. He’s a weird looking mother fucker. Which is funny. But not funny enough. Mostly, he comes off as completely uncomfortable in his own skin. Maybe it’s not his skin. But he just doesn’t have the confidence someone needs in order to be in front of millions of humans every weeknight. If you ask me, he’s a much better writer than performer. The Simpson’s are still on, right? We’d all be better served if he’d give up the spotlight and write a few more episodes.
Leno. Leno retired, didn’t he? If he didn’t, he should. He’s not very funny. He’s got a face that looks like a JC Penny’s high heeled shoe. And that’s not funny. Where did he even come from? As far as I know, he went from stand up, to Doritos spokesman, to The Tonight Show. In my opinion, his talent should have stopped him at step two of that unexplainable meteoric rise. I hope he’s been good, because I don’t even want his stupid ass down here.
Letterman. Listen, fifteen years ago David Letterman was Craig Ferguson-like. Smart. Irreverent. His own individual style. But I don’t know anyone who’s watched his show since 1999. The last time I remember laughing at David Letterman is when I heard he had to have heart surgery.
He was actually in the hospital – near the nurses station. He was deciding whether to go down the right hallway toward the coffee machine, or the left hallway where his room was. He was at a crossroads. And that’s when he summoned me. He knew he was up shits creek. He knew he was starting to suck. So, blah blah blah , a quick violin competition, a couple of blood signatures, and the same old story. I get a soul I could get way cheaper on Craigslist, and he gets to stay on television until he’s 72. Which I think is coming up next month. Late night TV hosts are like rock stars. It’s not fun watching someone as old as Keith Richards do anything other than disappear.
So, in closing. Quit your job and stay up two an a half hours later than normal every night. It’s worth it. And your job sucks anyway.
You’re welcome,
