Ask Satan Anything

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Dear Satan,

Now that Sarah Palin has giving up being the Governor of Alaska, what has she got planned?

Political Junkie

Greetings Junkie,

I know this is surprising, but I can’t actually see into the future any better than you can.  I absolutely try to drive things my way though.  As far as Sarah goes, I have a pretty good idea of what’s to come.  First I’d like to say, congratulations Alaska.  Your nights just got a little shorter.

I’m positive that the lovely Sarah will host a right wing TV talk show.  I think she knows that’s where the real power is.  And money.  The President of the United States gets $400,000 per year –that’s only if you win.  Rush pulls in over 30 million.  That’s pretty simple math, even for Mrs. P.  The Palin Show will present a façade of concentration on politics, but will also focus on hunting and fishing segments, homespun folksy advice, and the occasional skit where she makes fun of herself in a way that is intended to show she can laugh at herself, but which really just reinforces the truth of whatever it is being made fun of.

Oh Say Can You Leave

Ted Nugent will be Palin’s Ed McMann and they will eventually have an affair which will come to light when a disturbing sex tape is revealed featuring Nugent, Palin, a bear skin rug, a side of venison, and a specially outfitted adult crossbow.

I also think that there is a good chance she eventually gets into Celebrity Boxing at some point.

And for me, all of this is good.  If by some insane alternative universe weirdness she does run and win the Presidency – what good will that do me?  The President is surrounded by people to make the tough decisions and keep things running no matter what idiot is in the office.  If you got through eight years of Bush – you could elect a headless monkey to throw poo against the walls of the Oval Office and you’d still be okay.  It’s the Rush’s that I need more of.

You’re Welcome,
~Satan

Dear Satan,

Which drugs are actually dangerous to your health (if any)?

~ Huff & Puff

Dear Huff & Puff,

Along with sex and rock and roll, drugs are among my very favorite things.  Whenever I roam the earth in human form, I take as many drugs as I can.  How else could I bear it?  But more than that, I love what they do to you mortals.  Any substance that can make you even more stupid than you already are is somewhat of a miracle.

Hell On Earth - Satan's Timeshare

My personal favorite is something I came across outside of Capetown.  I was checking in on one of my outposts called Khayelitsha.  It’s a little township I founded back in the 80’s.  Actually, it was created as an offshoot of another project of mine, the Apartheid government, which was a massive success as you probably remember.  Khayelitsha is the kind of place you might call Hell on earth.  Open sewers, tin shacks, piles of garbage and human waste – the place maintains my best visual and aromatic esthetic.

As I toured my work, I noticed these guys sitting in the road here and there, sort of in a fetal position, with piss stains covering their already filthy dungarees.  I learned that their coping mechanism was something called Mandrax.  I’d heard of Mandrax before, of course.  It’s a quite powerful horse tranquilizer.  But the people here had taken it a step further by smoking it out of the tops of broken bottles mixed with a bit of pot.  And when you do smoke it, you immediately sort of nod off into a stupor and lose control of your bladder.  You can see why people find it so attractive and glamorous.  Silly, silly humans.

It amazes me how I get off on these tangents instead of answering the questions asked of me.  I can’t seem to concentrate.  I think it has to do with the insipid nature of most of your questions.  To answer, all drugs are dangerous.  Drugs are one of the many items that I bury in the mine field of your worthless lives to try to knock you off course.  Darwin explained this well.  The weak succumb, the strong survive, and the gene pool is strengthened.  Addiction is natural selection.

Great way to recycle bottles

Drugs lull you into a false sense of euphoria that helps you to ignore the horrors of life and the brutalities of your fellow man.  Drugs help you to ignore the violence, the hunger, the disease, the ruin of your planet and the appallingly poor quality of sitcoms as of late.  Anything that helps you fool yourself into thinking things are okay, is obviously dangerous.  And of course it follows that the most dangerous drug of all is religion.  But this is old news.

So yes, Huff & Puff, all drugs are dangerous.  And highly recommended.

You’re Welcome,

~ Satan