Ask Satan Anything

Dear Satan,

What causes divorce?

~Retainer Paid

Greetings Retainer Paid,

Marraige.

You’re welcome,

Our weekly feature, Signs of Christian Intelligence

Christians are so funny.  

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(Please send real photos of real signs, you tricky computer geeks.) 

Dear Satan,

What are some good ideas regarding getting out of working for a living?

~Lazy Bitch

Hello Lazy Bitch,

Well, it should surprise no one that I receive this question about four hundred million times each day.  When you pray to God for anything that isn’t righteous or good or moral, those prayers activate a redirect code transferring them straight to me.  If you check the stats – 90% of all prayers actually end up in my inbox.  I mean, really.  Who wastes time praying to be a better person?  Everyone wants wealth, sex and power.  Those categories fall under my domain.  Most of you know what my rate card looks like for these services.  Pricey.

A common misconception that people have is that not working is any less work than working.  In fact, not working can often be much more tedious then just caving in and punching the clock for the man every day.

Most people immediately think of crime as a first option to working.  But crime is a colossal pain in the ass.  Ask Bernie Madoff.  Ask Charles Manson.  Ask George W Bush.  You have to plan your crime, execute your crime, try not to get caught at your crime – on and on.  I’d rather install emergency brakes on a VW Jetta or inhale coal dust every day for 50 years.  

Here are some areas of crime that most humans think about first:

Prostitution.  Your client list could include Randall  Tobias, or worse, Mickey Rourke, or better Hugh Grant.  If lying on your back (if you’re lucky) and being pawed and entered by these jerk offs isn’t bad enough, you could also end up with a Phillip Maroff as your last client.  Sounds like work to me.  But, if you decide to go this route, send me a breakdown of your services and prices.

Dealing Drugs. The only thing that’s good about dealing drugs is that you don’t need to have contact with scumbag low-lifes in order to obtain your drug of choice, because you are the scumbag low-life.  It’s nice to have that in house.  But dealing drugs is a pain in the ass too.  Nine to five doesn’t cut it if you’re a drug dealer.  There’s always some desperate toothless asshole who’s going to be waking you up at 4:30am offering you oral sex for a couple of vials.  While the toothless oral sex is a turn on, getting up at 4:30am for it is not.  

There is one way for crime to get you what you want.  Get caught and go to jail.  Unless you get assigned to the laundry room or the license plate line, you won’t have to do much work in jail other than clenching your sphincter and sharpening your toothbrush shank.

So, all things considered, I think it’s best to sort of back into your problem here.  One of the easiest ways to get out of working for a living, would be to simply stop living.  Nothing says I Quit like offing yourself.  I highly recommend throwing yourself from a building.  Of all the paths to my door, this is the shortest route.  In my experience, four stories is the optimum height.  You’ll die eventually from such a jump, but you will go through excruciating pain from multiple organ failure before you do.  Going through this pain makes the shock of hell a little easier to take.  I’d say all of you out there should give this option some serious thought.  Don’t forget to read our disclaimer before you do.  

You’re welcome,