“Dear Abby, if Abby were a foul mouthed pessimist from hell.”
Please allow me to introduce myself. I am a man of wealth and taste. And this is my forum.
At its black heart, this is an advice column for sinners. That means you. I’d love to hear your problems and give you my solutions. Having trouble with your relationship? Career? Finances? Hearing voices? Sudden unexplainable interest in Bestiality? Necrophiliac? Enjoying Celine Dion too much? Tell me about it. I can help in a way that only Satan could.
In addition to the invaluable Satanic Advice, the following will also be featured:
• Book, Film and Music Reviews – My Minions and I will give you the scoop on all the best new media, but we’ll also delve into our extensive library to let you know what’s worth revisiting. Usually on Tuesdays.
• Product Reviews – My Minions and I will give you the scoop on all the latest gadgets, especially those that cause immeasurable pain, or unendurable pleasure. Usually on Tuesdays.
• Signs of Christian Intelligence – A weekly feature where we will showcase user submitted photos of our favorite church signs. Usually on Thursdays.
• Satan Wants You – An occasional feature where I will tell you who’s on my list for harvesting and why.
• Hellish Interviews – An occasional feature where I will conduct in depth Actor’s Studio/Barbara Walters style interviews with some of his my famous tenants of hell. In the queue? Hitler, Saddam, Stalin, Mr. Hun, Pol Pot, and all the other greats. But I’ll also introduce you to a few you may find surprising. Like Moses, Abraham Lincoln, and I hate to say it – Mother Theresa,. You have no idea what these folks got up to in their off hours. I’ll tell you. And hopefully someone will cry. I also hope to interview the odd terrestrial here and there.
You’re welcome,
~Satan