Ask Satan Anything

Dear Satan,

Who’s better: Conan, Leno or Letterman?

~ Late Night Zombie

Greetings Late Night Zombie,

I notice you don’t mention Craig Ferguson. I know he’s not in the same time slot, but he is the best late night talent there is. Excluding me, of course. But Ferguson has an intelligence and a style that Conan and Leno completely lack. And Letterman – well, I gave him what he has, so there’s a bit of a conflict of interest there.

Ferguson is a scrappy fighter too. I’ve tried to get him back on the hooch since 1992. He’s a really funny drunk. Was anyway. I remember one time, I had him drinking heavily in a pub on Christmas eve. He woke up Christmas morning covered in his own urine and I was so damn close to getting him out the third story window. No dice. He went downstairs to the pub, got drunk again , and forgot to do himself in. That’s a man I can respect. I’ll get him one way or the other though.

So, my answer to the question you didn’t ask is, Craig Ferguson. Now let’s get back to the question you did ask.

Conan. If you look at him from the front long enough- his head and face starts to look like some ancient instrument used for ship navigation. He’s a weird looking mother fucker. Which is funny. But not funny enough. Mostly, he comes off as completely uncomfortable in his own skin. Maybe it’s not his skin. But he just doesn’t have the confidence someone needs in order to be in front of millions of humans every weeknight. If you ask me, he’s a much better writer than performer. The Simpson’s are still on, right? We’d all be better served if he’d give up the spotlight and write a few more episodes.

Leno. Leno retired, didn’t he? If he didn’t, he should. He’s not very funny. He’s got a face that looks like a JC Penny’s high heeled shoe. And that’s not funny. Where did he even come from? As far as I know, he went from stand up, to Doritos spokesman, to The Tonight Show. In my opinion, his talent should have stopped him at step two of that unexplainable meteoric rise. I hope he’s been good, because I don’t even want his stupid ass down here.

Letterman. Listen, fifteen years ago David Letterman was Craig Ferguson-like. Smart. Irreverent. His own individual style. But I don’t know anyone who’s watched his show since 1999.  The last time I remember laughing at David Letterman is when I heard he had to have heart surgery.

He was actually in the hospital – near the nurses station. He was deciding whether to go down the right hallway toward the coffee machine, or the left hallway where his room was. He was at a crossroads. And that’s when he summoned me. He knew he was up shits creek. He knew he was starting to suck. So, blah blah blah , a quick violin competition, a couple of blood signatures, and the same old story. I get a soul I could get way cheaper on Craigslist, and he gets to stay on television until he’s 72. Which I think is coming up next month. Late night TV hosts are like rock stars. It’s not fun watching someone as old as Keith Richards do anything other than disappear.

So, in closing. Quit your job and stay up two an a half hours later than normal every night. It’s worth it.  And your job sucks anyway.

You’re welcome,

Our weekly feature, Signs of Christian Intelligence

Like what?

Christians are so funny.

You can help Satan prove this by sending in your favorite Church Signs!

(Please send real photos of real signs, you tricky computer geeks.)

Dear Satan,

Now that Sarah Palin has giving up being the Governor of Alaska, what has she got planned?

Political Junkie

Greetings Junkie,

I know this is surprising, but I can’t actually see into the future any better than you can.  I absolutely try to drive things my way though.  As far as Sarah goes, I have a pretty good idea of what’s to come.  First I’d like to say, congratulations Alaska.  Your nights just got a little shorter.

I’m positive that the lovely Sarah will host a right wing TV talk show.  I think she knows that’s where the real power is.  And money.  The President of the United States gets $400,000 per year –that’s only if you win.  Rush pulls in over 30 million.  That’s pretty simple math, even for Mrs. P.  The Palin Show will present a façade of concentration on politics, but will also focus on hunting and fishing segments, homespun folksy advice, and the occasional skit where she makes fun of herself in a way that is intended to show she can laugh at herself, but which really just reinforces the truth of whatever it is being made fun of.

Oh Say Can You Leave

Ted Nugent will be Palin’s Ed McMann and they will eventually have an affair which will come to light when a disturbing sex tape is revealed featuring Nugent, Palin, a bear skin rug, a side of venison, and a specially outfitted adult crossbow.

I also think that there is a good chance she eventually gets into Celebrity Boxing at some point.

And for me, all of this is good.  If by some insane alternative universe weirdness she does run and win the Presidency – what good will that do me?  The President is surrounded by people to make the tough decisions and keep things running no matter what idiot is in the office.  If you got through eight years of Bush – you could elect a headless monkey to throw poo against the walls of the Oval Office and you’d still be okay.  It’s the Rush’s that I need more of.

You’re Welcome,
~Satan